Meeting a beggar beside the intersection

I’m a bad person. I thought i was generous and kind but i discovered that i was actually deluding myself all this time.

I woke up when it was almost afternoon. My body was weak from hunger, so i went out to buy some bread to fill my stomach. While i was walking home, a middle aged man with a cane suddenly reached out his hand to me, asking me to give him lunch to eat. Where he came from, that i didn’t know of, as it was in a narrow alleyway beside the intersecting road in the city.  He must have been hungry too and meant no harm, but to me, it came out a little aggressive because his hand was touching my left arm while begging me for food, and i was alarmed and hella scared. I couldn’t pass through because he was unknowingly blocking the way. I didn’t know what I’ve done. Maybe it was a survival instinct- to flee away as soon as possible. My red lights have awakened and my ideal purpose in life was buried deep down within, their voice unheard.

At that moment, i could only see him as a threat to my safety. This is how i see beggars from the streets. I don’t hate them because they smell or are dirty, or because they wear ragged clothes. I avoid them because I have no knowledge of the extent of what they could do just to get what they want. Physiological needs are the basic necessities in life. We’ll fight with our life to get them, until we could care no more about the safety of others – or their lives even. This is human nature, and it scares me.

With my voice shaking, I managed to mumble words like, “Wait first, excuse me”, and he moved to the side in anticipation. I breathed in relief. I wanted to stop, turn to him, and help him but it seemed that my feet were already set to run away. My head was clouded in fear. I walked fast almost breaking to a run, never bothering to face him, afraid that he might have followed me. After successfully crossing the street, i looked back clutching my chest which was beating faster than how it normally does. I saw him from the spot where we crossed paths, and it seemed like he was buffled as to why i wasn’t there any longer when I told him to wait first. He must have thought i was a liar.

He then walked as well, with his cane leading him, opposite my direction, probably used to people passing by not caring to even glance at him. His face showed sadness and faded hope – and hunger.

If it weren’t for fear, God knows how much i wanted to talk to him – and give him some food or money. I wanted to ask how he was doing, if he still has family left, or trivial things like, where he sleeps at night. This was what’s running on my head as i resumed walking home, half in relief and half in regret, still clutching my chest and steadying my balance as my body was still shaking from that little threat to my safety – where I had to renounce being a helping person. We may or may not cross paths again, but I do hope he would forgive me for being rude and uncaring. I wish I have turned at him and have smiled in generosity.


Those Moments of Emptiness

What do you do when almost all of your goals and hopes do not come true, even if you do almost anything to make them a reality?
Do you begin to hate yourself instead?
Do you sit beside your bed and mope?
I don’t.
I don’t hate myself either. Because I know I didn’t do the necessary works to make my goals come true. I’m just here, hopeless and lost. Lost in a way that I just decide life to flow according to how I see others do theirs.
Am I ever going to find a way back on track?
Is there even a way back for me, though?
I have so many questions and I’m so lazy to find answers for them. Yes, I’m lazy and I keep on falling down, that I think even if I decide to start being the ideal person I know, I won’t ever reach that goal on time. It’s almost the ending anyway. I can’t do anything about it. I guess I just have to be grateful that I’m still living. But how am I going to face them – people who expect from me – when I’m done and they don’t see me end it the way they want it to? The word “expectation” is now on my Hates List. I don’t like it one bit.
People often voice out their concerns but it almost always comes out in a way that burdens the receiving person instead. When your parents expect you to become somebody you are not, you know they are doing it because they care for you. Besides, it’s better to have an expecting parent than not have any at all, right? But it becomes a heavy load on my back that i carry around wherever i go. And it becomes so burdensome thinking about it that i become too lazy to think or do anything else, including making those loads of expectations come true. When you are too preoccupied, you cannot think straight. You become a lazy-ass wanting nothing but sleep on your calling comfortable safe bed. That’s what I do, too. Bed is definitely my comfort zone. When problems stack high up the table, the only better way to do is sleep it off. To forget is a good thing.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even know what I really want. I guess I’m just lost, right? I’ll keep back on track in no time when I’m not feeling down anymore. But the problem is that this happens most of the time. This is not depression, too. This is milder, but chronic. I know this should not bother me because most people must have felt this once in a while as well. But I guess I just don’t know how to manage this effectively.
This is too funny. I should know how to be mentally and physically healthy since I study in the healthcare field, but what is happening? I think I’m just sleepy.
Telling this to anybody would be ridiculous. I’m not even sure if they would understand, but do they ever want to listen in the first place? Nobody likes to have problems being shoved into their faces. And I’m not friendly either. I don’t like telling others too much about my personal stuff. I’m just hopeless. Just thinking about this whole thing makes me want to laugh to no end.
I don’t even know what this is called. This is may be just uncertainty but I’m not sure since I have nothing to compare this to. This is the disadvantage of being too young and having no experience about life situations.
The only thing I could do is laugh at it lightly and tell my mind that this is nothing serious, to console myself and hopefully, my apparently empty heart.